It’s been a while, the posts I had in my head have stayed there. The subjects I was going to write about came and went. But here is one that I hadn’t planned. Born out of the darkness of the New Moon in Cancer in opposition to my Capricorn Sun.

The Sun was in Capricorn when I was born. I feel very deeply connected to my ‘Zodiac’ sign. Your sun sign I can best describe as your core essence, the inner you. Beneath the layers of skin and bone right at the very core lies a part of you, that’s really you. When I find other Capricorns I feel they are my tribe, my herd, who I can go unnoticed with, mingling together as if we are one. They are the ones who understand me when the rest of the world misjudges. The ones who know my struggles as if they are their own. Capricorns are often disliked, it’s difficult to really put into words why this is, but here is my attempt to do just that.

When you look at the image of Capricorn sign, the Seagoat. We have half our body grounded in reality, climbing that never ending mountain. Yes we may butt heads with people but generally that because we’re so honest and people prefer to take offence rather than see the truth. Sometimes we can’t see the truth because we are tired from all that mountain climbing, and butting heads.

What people fail to see is the other side of us. The tail beneath the water. The deeper side to us where we feel more. We dream of nothing more than giving it all up and swimming in peace without the pressure to perform.

We feel the fear of never being able to reach that mountain top, and that pressure leads us to analyse everything. To strive for more. But we burn out. And lash out when the world is unfair. We’ve got targets that aren’t achievable because essentially how can a creature with a tail reach the top of a mountain? Our struggles are in vain and that’s hard to handle.

This causes a great deal of sadness with being a Capricorn that nobody understands unless they are Cap or they see it first hand. People think we are superior because we want to achieve the best and are critical, but we are critical when we see a missed opportunity one that we wish we could take. And we feel inferior when we can’t achieve. The superiority is inferiority in disguise. Helping is at our core because we’ve felt the burden of nobody helping us. The pain we feel is what drives us to try to course correct the pain that your future self may feel. But that’s our fear and we need to let that go, but often can’t.

We’re not pessimists or optimists, we’re realists. We use logic to solve problems, the logic created from failed attempts of getting up that mountain, and we want to share that but people misunderstand our meaning.

Our innocent questions come off as intrusive, our opinions come off as moaning and our care comes off as patronising. We know we don’t mean it. But for some reason it seems impossible at times to communicate without causing offense.

All we want from others are reasons why something will work, we’ve already thought about why it won’t. Most people don’t like to give us reasons. But we like all the information to access the easiest path to take up that mountain. We’ve fallen too many times to risk another stumble.

And when we fall we land in that ocean so deep we don’t think we can ever make it out. Our heads choking as our tails want to dive. We stay for a while alone in the ocean wondering if instead we can grow gills and live in the water, away from the land, away from world. We drift and we stagnate, time passes, time heals, and then we see that mountain from a new angle. A new hope. A approach. We swim to the shore and we start to climb once more, believing this time we will not fail. An endless cycle of hope and despair.