So like all things in life I seem to start something and never finish it. I created this blog for mostly astrology related content but somehow I felt inadequate with what I have to offer. I mean yes, I know a lot, but I know a lot less than most and there’s so much good quality content relating to astrology I feel my skills may be better used elsewhere. I still will let astrology guide me and use the influences but I feel this blog is much better suited to my personal journey and rise to that Halo. At my core level I want to help, so if my rambling thoughts help just one person find life that little bit easier to deal with I can be proud.

Anyway life has been pretty uncomfortable recently and now as the dust begins to settle in a new formation I feel ready to take part in the world again. Throughout my life I’ve suffered, mental pain, emotional pain and also a lot of physical pain. There have been so many times when I’ve just wanted the earth to open up and I sink into the nothingness below.

To avoid the feelings and the difficulties life has thrown at me. I wanted so much to just escape it all that I just stopped living. I turned into a reflection of a person, there was no depth, no form, just a shell of anger and bitterness. I felt there was nothing I could do right. Every time I did something for me I got knocked back, and every time I did something for others life dealt the easy hand. So it was obvious. I’m not here to have a life, I’m here to serve.

But as time wore on I got tired, I was exhausted, living on empty, constantly. I was so lonely despite having a partner of 19 years who I shared everything with. I tried to explain myself and ask for help but every single time I managed to confuse, upset or alienate people further and they didn’t see I was drowning.

So I isolated myself further, until I barely left the house. My phone would be off for weeks on end. I put off talking to family. The house felt like the only place I was safe, and yet at the same time became my prison. So much was falling apart that I didn’t have the mental strength to fix, I felt suffocated and constantly living in fear. Flashbacks of previous traumas cycling on an endless loop throughout my brain.

Yet at the same time, I pretended somehow that I was ok and just had to focus on the one thing that gave me positive reinforcement. The cats. They became my world. The only thing I could do right. The only thing that didn’t feel like I failed. But I took it to the extreme, I gave them everything I had and left myself with nothing, they became unruly and difficult to manage. I planned my whole day so they could feel loved. And it was worth it for the way they looked at me with bright eyes, purrs and headbumps. They were happy.. so I was happy. Is what I would tell myself. They gave me that affection I so desperately craved.

Yet all wasn’t really happy. How could it be, I wasn’t living. I was their slave. They had me at their beck and call. I jumped up everytime they were in the house and gave them what they wanted. So obviously everytime they were displeased with my offerings I broke, I felt useless and even more of a failure because I was basing my self worth on their happiness. That’s not sustainable. Not with anyone.

So I became angry and frustrated. Hating the world. Hating living. I lashed out and insulted people around me desperate in any way to get attention. Like a child having a tantrum. Not being able to self soothe. And it worked…I got the attention, but not in the way I wanted.

I pushed my husband to the brink of despair that he wanted to take his own life too, he began to hate me, and so, one day he had enough and my old life ended. The day he told me he didn’t love me and had feelings for someone else. The very person who I’d pushed him into seeing, so that he could have a friend to talk to so as not to feel lonely. Oh the irony.

My heart was smashed into a million pieces. And everything went dark.

But that’s when something miraculous happens. When you feel yourself hit that cold hard floor with a thud, when you truly reach the rocks at the bottom, that’s when you get grounded. All of a sudden that fear from the falling ends, because you’ve landed. It may not be where you wanted to land but the inertia stops and you find your bearings. You have the safety to stand still and contemplate your next move. Obviously you realise it’s going to be a harrowing climb to get out of that hole, but somehow having the safety of knowing where you stand gives you confidence. You just need to take that first step, back up the wall.

And this is where pain is beautiful. It feels like it wants to destroy you, but essentially it heals you. It helps you grow. Because when in life do the things we obtain without trying, challenge us? Have you built yourself up when something is easy? Or have you found courage and determination when the failures hurt you? Every time we are wounded, we get stronger. Muscles build up when we push them to their limits, and that pain of the muscles growing sends messages to us that it’s working. That ache is there because we do something, we’ve started moving, that there is progress. We have to lean into the pain, not shy away from it. Every time we break we can heal.

When you think of it on a biological level, pain is created from the misfiring or overstimulation of neurons in the synapses. It’s electricity. Like a lightning bolt that comes down and sets you on fire. The shocking jolt I received that day, woke me up, and restarted my heart. It freed me from my fear and forced me into a new way of being. Pain reminds you of how fragile life can be, to give you a whole new outlook. Do I want to be hurt? Of course not, but I accept the lessons that it teaches me. In order to rebuild, we must first fall apart.

What follows will be a tale for another day, but pain has a way of humbling you. The most beautiful people you meet have often been dealt the hardest blows. Accept that pain is progress and you can see a heavenly horizon emerging.

Much Love, AW